Snow? Really?

You know what REALLY angers me? When you type a beautifully written post, and somehow your finger hits the one key that deletes it all, and for whatever reason, there is no "undo". I guess that's a LOT like my life. How ironic.

....now I have to think of everything that I was typing, and it was SOOOO good to. I felt good writing it, and now poof gone. DARNIT.

Lemme think.

Forget my snow bit, yes, it's snowing, no it's not warm, sunny, or beachy. shrugs. It is pretty, but not exactly what I was hoping for. But it IS only March 2, can't be too optimistic I guess.

My weekend away was quaint, relaxing and nice. It certainly was lonely and a little too quiet at times, but that's what I went up there for. It was just a nice escape to be quite honest.

While up there, I browsed the downtown shops and came about one of the stained glass stores. I LOVE stained glass. I've always though I'd like to learn, and it turns out, the owner teaches classes! She'll work around your schedule and you can take a one or two day class. I'm so excited. I think I'm going to go up some weekend in the next few months to learn!

Overall, the weekend was nice. As I was packing up the Jeep on Sunday to come home, I stumbled across Kevin's favorite steelers hate tucked in a bag in my trunk. I pulled it out, and smelled it, hoping for a whif of him. It wasn't there. It's so frustrating that it's so far past him being gone, I can't even smell him anymore. I hate that.

It was then that I realized, I was on top of a mountain, in the middle of nowhere, not a neighbor within sight, that I realized I could rage. Yes, I've screamed in the car, I've sobbed for hours in a pillow asking why, but I haven't raged openly.

Looking at his hat, remembering how handsome he looked in his cap, made me want to rage at his loss. So I did.

I yelled and cried and screamed and sobbed at God. I told God I hated him, just like I did with my parents when I was a teenager. I asked Him why he had to take my Kevin away, why he couldn't be spared. Didn't he have enough up there? I begged and pleading, knowing nothing would change, but knowing that I needed to hand God a big slap for what He had in my book of life. And ya know what? He's big enough to handle it, so it's ok to do that!

It felt good! I raged for at least 20 minutes. I paced circles in the driveway, DEFINITELY looking like a mad, crazed lunatic, and it didn't matter one bit. I came up for relaxation, and ended in rage. Go figure.

But when it was all said and done, when I had screamed my piece at God, I prayed for sight. For my blindness about my life to leave me. For direction and vision. Despite still feeling that mis-understanding, I had set my rage free, and could now ask the big questions. Now what God?

Now what?