Uncategorized Questioning Faith after Death 8 years ago today my faith began to drastically change. I was so angry at Kevin's oncologist in Lancaster who told us there was nothing more they could do. I called the pastor of my parent's church to organize a prayer vigil in the hospital chapel
Friends Finding Friendship Right now I'm dreaming of this. It's beautiful isn't it? This is the meditation cabin at Rolling Ridge Study Retreat Community outside of Harpers Ferry, WV and the community where my childhood friend Joy lives with her family. After years apart at college and
Life Will I Like Who I Am In The Quiet Moments? Two weekends ago I felt lightheaded. I took my blood pressure that Friday and it was normal so I wasn't sure what was going on. It had finally begun getting warm outside and stopped raining, so maybe it was just the barometric pressure change throwing me off? The
Life Miscarriage and Remarriage When I began bleeding, I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal. I figured it was just over-exertion from the weekend before. I figured this was just part of it. My very first ultrasound of Dave and I’s baby proved that the baby’s heart rate was
Leisure Natural Healing Even when my lungs burn up the trail and I remember how deeply out of shape I am, I put one boot in front of the other and remind myself that this is healing in so many ways. I know that my muscles are building, fat is melting, lung power
Life I'm Grieving My brain is on overdrive. I want to shut it down. It’s like it’s trying to catch up after months of neglect. After months of depression. I’m seeking, trying to find the change that will fix me. New career. Going back to school. Moving into a different
Life Where I'm at I want to anywhere but here, but for right now, I'm meant to be here. When the grief swallows my heart and dreams I'd do anything I can to be somewhere else Living an easier life without so much pain and distress. What looks on the
Local Fighting a Pipeline, Letting Go of Grief, and Celebrating a Book Understatement of the Year: It's been a chaotic 2 weeks. 2 Tuesdays ago I passed 2 anniversaries: that of funding my Kickstarter publishing project and 6 years since losing Kevin. [embed]http://instagram.com/p/utg6-hNWAX/?modal=true[/embed] Amongst the emotions of that anniversary I become deeply
Life Becoming Humble Tonight's full moon reminded me of the small spec that I am on this earth. This past week I studied rocks in my second week of PA Master Naturalist training and we went through the timeline of how the world was created. I could see on paper the
Life Sacred Life I wondered what happened to him. The neighbor that shared my balcony in the city. Neighbors had come and gone but he became a trusted person in the building, someone that didn't scare or worry me in spite of his tumultuous background. But then, he was gone. Evicted.
Life Grief Train From 6/19: A friend died today. Angiosarcoma took her life. Just like it did Kevin's in 2008. And I cry, I cry as I type. I cry for this disease that doesn't know when to stop. I cry for her little girls who will grow
Life My Faith Looks Much Different Every single time I have read through the blogs in my book in the past 5 years I feel two ways about the words of faith that I read: * I was naive to think that (and then I go back to, "well, I had to have hope!") * Where
Life Not Good Enough Turning 30 last week reminded of something kind of big, maybe not earth shattering, and more annoying than anything...but I've been telling myself a lot of lies. Here's some of the things my brain eeks out to me sometimes: So you wrote a book? Big
Local The Perfect Moment at the Post Office I stood in line a bit sheepishly, taking up all of the postal worker's time. Before me were over 40 envelopes stuffed with my memoir, ready to be shipped out to my supporters all over the US and Canada. A woman came in and I looked at her
Life Standing with My Brother - Guest Blog by Matt Trebesch Matt was one of the first to greet me in my new hometown of Missoula, Montana when I moved there on my own in 2006. It felt good knowing that I knew someone in this lonely Western town surrounded by the Bitterroot mountains. We have remained long distance friends through
Life 9 Years of a Crisis of Faith Questions of faith keep whacking me over the head. For the past 5+ years I've gone from gung ho believer, to angry at God, to asking all the big questions with no big answers, to feeling the church was hypocritical, and ultimately I've landed here -
Life The Smell of Hockey I toured a nice hockey facility in Annville today for my daytime job, and in the locker room, the stench hit me. Sweat. Sweaty gear smell. Hockey stench. Kevin. Just a couple of months after Kevin died, I went through his hockey gear bag and the stench flashed me back
Life Support the Kickstarter project and be a part of the book! The time has come and today the Kickstarter campaign to publish my love and loss memoir Ebb from the Shoreline - How I found Hope in Love, Anticipation and Loss is waiting to get funded with your support. Now through October 28, 2013, the 5th anniversary of Kevin's
Life Grief and Depression - Are they the same? After Kevin's death, despite numerous people telling me to go on medication, that there was nothing wrong with going on medication, I made the decision to stay off of anti-depressants while grieving. I was already taking an anxiety medication for the attacks that had started when Kevin became
Life It's Easier to Not Go Back There - Thoughts on a Grieving Newtown and Sandy Hook It’s easier not to take myself back there. Back to the first time I saw our Nation face tragedy. I remember sitting on the carpet in front of the old cabinet TV in my bedroom and watching Oprah as images and information streamed in about the Columbine shooting. I
Life Leaving My City Soon I will no longer be a resident of Lancaster City. For a majority of the past 10 years, I have called Lancaster City my home. I have seen it flourish into this great arts and culture community. When I first moved into the city in 2003 with one of
Life Reflection and Loss October is here and this is typically the month that throws me down the staircase. But for the first time since Kevin's death, I didn't feel that apprehension, that warning that it was coming, that terror. I feel a calmness; a sense that I have indeed
Life Tears, Widows, and the Memoir As I told the story of how I came to be a widow, I felt the tears well up in my eyes, my throat closing. Just as I was recalling how Kevin had asked me to stay at Johns Hopkins that night, and the next morning I could feel his
Life Underlying Pressure Under pressure. Underlying pressure. Two very different things. I have felt a lot of underlying pressure lately. Ok, my entire life. The pressure to live up to some hidden and righteous expectation. The pressure that things should go exactly as I see them. But that's just not how
Life Merging of Family It had been 2 years since I last saw my in laws - Kevin's brother and mother came to visit me and my family this week. The merging of new and old worlds. They met my boy, his family, and to me, it all felt just right. It
