Conundrum - Privileged yet Unworthy

A friend Bryan finally had the guts to share his demons. He stepped out on a very shaky limb, and shared his concerns.  It is awesome, I'm proud of him.  I have been fighting through my own demons the past few days, weeks, months, maybe even going on years.  The "What's Next?" anxiety.

Last night, in my usual widowhood/grief/frustration, I felt that privilege.  I realized this morning that there seem to be two extremes to my grief related depression.  Privilege and unworth.  I compare myself a lot.  More than I would like to admit.  I have touted that grief is really incomparable, that we each have our own background and situations that contribute to our loss.  We feel the same emotions, but at different times, different levels.  This doesn't stop me from feeling that my grief is overrated or underrated at times.

I didn't have children.  Therefore my grief should be less.  I'm not raising a now fatherless child.  I was only married 1.5 years to Kev.  Therefore my grief could be more or less-we only had x amount of time, or, we had so many precious years together, why now?  I compare.

Opportunities have been sent my way, and I think, I DESERVE this.  This is my big break, something good is going to happen in my life now, because I have been through such crap before.  My husband died.  I get the good part of life now!  This isn't the case.  But then I think, well, X person lost a, b AND c, and so they should deserve this, not I.  What makes me better?  What makes me less?

I feel neither deserving of the blessings I have received, yet I also feel that it's about damn time something good happen in my life.  I'm in a conundrum.

Tomorrow I start motorcycle safety courses to get my motorcycle license.  I am proud of myself for doing something I wanted to do 8 years ago, for crossing something off my bucket list.  But then last night, I think, what if I die, what if my family has to feel the grief I have had to with Kevin.  Conundrum.

What did death teach me if not to take risks, to live life to its fullest, to complete all the cliched quotes I have mentioned?  What did I learn?

Conundrum.