It comes, and then it goes

Today I'm off. Not sure what's up with my body, my brain feels kind of fuzzy, and despite the beauty of the day I'm feeling a bit cranky. I often wonder how much of this is female hormones, how much is widowhood/grief. I have come to understand and accept that grief will always be a slight shadow in my life, a lapping wave. When I discuss my grieving process with my mentor, I know that my bad days are that much worse because of the accumulated life events that I have always lingering.

This grief makes defining my emotional reality that much more difficult. It becomes harder to distinguish and pinpoint why I am feeling a certain way, the apprehensions I hold, and the fear/dismay I have for certain things. I feel weighed down today, and I cannot even pinpoint it. It is quite frustrating.

I think some of my disappointment comes from feeling unmotivated to write, to work on my memoir, to be creative. I'm feeling a bit blocked with my writing-almost like I am not 100% in touch with myself, and feeling blinded to my own reality.

While I'm ahead with school, enjoying a few days break before working on the last few weeks of classes, I still feel burdered: but with what? I definitely have a bit of an emotional disconnect occuring, but I have yet to discover why.

Biking last night I really thought about myself, my dreams, how I would like them to change and develop, and how having those dreams altered would affect my life. What am I doing for me, what I am I doing for the other parts of my life?

Floundering a bit...I just need to sail on today.