When it Hurts, It Hurts

Last night, I came home and just bawled.

I haven't done that in so long. It felt good to release that, to unburden myself with this buildup of emotion after a year from when this journey to widowhood all started. The tears hold a lot more than grief.

That last post that I put up-I just heard it on the radio at work. Wow. I am trying to uncover the history of whomever wrote it because it captures grief in a deep essence. I have spent a lot of my grieving driving down the road bawling my eyes out just like the song said. For whatever reason, while driving, I felt I could release, could rage, could be free or grief.

I'm feeling a deep wave of grief these days. It's hard to believe a year ago Kevin started to feel this tumor taking over his body. It's hard to believe that a year ago is when I was starting to lose my soulmate. To watch him suffer unbelievably, yet provide a strength that I have never seen.

I miss witnessing his vigor, his hope, his faith, but mostly, his love for me and for life. I miss him.

I'm also feeling burdened by the hurt of my friends. Watching love unravel, be destroyed. It's heavy on my heart to see people walk away from marriage when I would give anything to have my marriage back. It sounds a bit selfish I guess, but I think.."You saw what Kev & I went through, how fragile life is, how precious family and love are, yet you walk away, you betray". Watching things like this unravel just adds to the grief of loss I think. But I guess not everyone has what we had. And I need to keep that in mind too. Love is never perfect, it's work, it's hard. It's learning...not giving up.

I'm wearing my engagement ring on my right ring finger, and Kevin's wedding ring on my left middle finger today. I just wanted to have something he wore close to me today. I miss him a lot these days, like every day.