Will It Work?

I am a pc. I am not a mac. I am a pc.

Seriously..I love you Mom II, but your computer makes me very angry.

This is probably the umpteenth time I have tried blogging in the past 24 hours, so we'll see if it FINALLY works!

Many of you are my blog stalkers, but I am one as well, because I am addicted to writing this. You have no idea how therapeutic it is for me to write this. To be honest, I did it more for me than anyone else.

Yes, it helped not having to make a bazillion calls, but it also helped/helps me process everything that happened and is going to happen. Know that this blog is FAR from over. It's just begun a new chapter.

This new chapter doesn't have a name, but it's a new chapter of my life. Unfortunately this is a chapter I begin without Kevin. It's not a chapter I want to write, it's not a chapter I want to start. Even getting the first sentence going of this is difficult, but there is no way to stop it.

I don't know what to call it....anger, sadness, grief, frustration, loss, powerlessness....all the above? I think I'll just leave it un-named because there are no words, just like there are no tears, big enough to contain the emotion.

I want you all to know I arrived safely to a COLD Winnipeg where I brought with me ice, and now snow. shakes her head. As I said before..Welcome to Canada Brenda. Welcome to Canada. Kevin would HATE this weather!

I'm doing ok, but everything here is a reminder of Kevin. Everything. I wouldn't be in this town if it weren't for him, and that alone makes this trip extremely difficult. I'm staying in the place where I last visited with Kevin, and that trip was so hard because Kevin was experiencing the first symptoms of this horrible disease. It is not a good memory.

I look forward to seeing his friends, but know how hard that alone will be...because they are Kevin. They were his life, his love. It's very hard to be here, and although it's nice spending time with family, I am anxious to be home in our bed, curled up with this fun little kitten, and to just be with my thoughts and my "life".

I need a dog. Shame we have a cat that won't allow it. But when I get on my own, whenever that may be, I'm getting a big, cuddly, dog. :)

Big thanks to an "old" friend who has lent thier ear to me. Who understands this unlike some others...and who is just there. I appreicate your kind words and help.

I don't know where to begin when I get back. But so far, I have a job interview, a grief group session, a CMA awards date, and a movie date. Besides that I'm dreaming of visiting friends all over the state of Montana, in San Francisco, maybe Washington, and near Philadelphia and Delaware. I have my options. I don't know if it will happen, but if I need an escape plan, I know your doors are open, so thank you.

This is tough, but I'm getting through. I have some good days, I've had some horrible days. I'm just trudging along, and trying to keep my chin up. The best thing I can do, is wake up, take a shower, and attempt to feel pretty because Kevin would want that for the least. So for now, that's my plan.

Love you all.